Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be single? Are you tired of boys constantly hounding after you, when all you really want is a moment to yourself? Well have I got the solution for you! The Idiot’s Guide to being Single is a simple six-step set of rules that anyone can follow for a guaranteed life of single freedom. With my own experience of twenty plus years in the business, you couldn’t find a better guide if you tried. So let’s begin!
1- Use the ‘Bro’ Zone
This rule is imperative to single life- call every boy ‘bro’. Skipping over the Friend Zone and going straight for the Brother Zone is a guaranteed in. If it’s too much for you then feel free to tame it down to ‘dude’, ‘homie’ or ‘g’ (cuz yo’ gangsta). Talk about sports, argue politics, accept the arm wrestle competition proposal (and go hard, because you’re not about to lose that one). Be one of the lads and they’ll never ask you out!
2- Be yourself
“But Sinelle, that’s what they say when you’re on the pull!” Yes they do. But it can go wrong far too quickly, far too often. I blame Hollywood for that romanticism. Blurting out random facts about yourself can do it (like butting into the conversation of the hot guy you stare at during lectures by proclaiming “I’ve got a Snapchat score of over 200 with my best friend!”… when he’s talking to another girl- true story). For if the right guy comes along, they’ll accept your weirdness. If that were to happen, then I figure you wouldn’t want to be single any way! Until then though, fight the dating game with your oddities and be the weirdo you are!
3- Have ridiculous standards
Don’t give just any boy a chance. No matter how nice, intelligent, funny or hot he is, if he doesn’t match up to that crush you had when you were sixteen (who was perfect in your eyes. Yes he had flaws but dammit he owned them!), then he’s a straight up NO. Be the voice of (ridiculous) reason!
4- Cite irreconcilable differences
Sometimes, even if the attraction is high, the differences between you and a potential SO are far too great to even consider. They may be of a different religion, or a different race- or worse, be a Justin Bieber fan from the ‘Baby’ days. Best course of action if you ever find yourself in that sticky situation is to detach yourself from it. Pretend you’re not interested and keep it up till any trace of attraction (from their side) is gone. Then you can congratulate yourself for that fabulous tactic- based, of course, on assumption- with one. single. lonely glass of wine. Cheers!
5- Be lazy
When your Non-Single mates (you know the type) call you for a night out, say no. Meeting new people is overrated, anyway. And besides, it’s winter! It’s cold! You’ll put on a nice dress and shoes only to be walking up and down Queen Street with aching ankles and chattering teeth. Better to solo Netflix it and chill while you can actually Netflix and chill (if you know what I mean *wink wink*).
6- Have a celebrity obsession
If he can’t write songs like Ed Sheeran, play football like Neymar, sing like Harry Styles or look like Chris Hemsworth, he just ain’t worth it. And any way, you know you’re gonna end up marrying one of them, so why bother with normal?
So there you have it! Six foolproof rules to adhere to for a guaranteed single life. It pays to have a well-informed guide with years of experience helping you with matters of the heart- and I can assure you that you won’t get anyone with my qualifications elsewhere. Now, you can go forth and mingle- er, I mean, stay single!